Low Self-Esteem & How to Improve
Understanding Low Self-Esteem: Causes and Steps to Rebuild Confidence
The origins of many human behaviors often spark debates about nature versus nurture. However, when it comes to self-esteem, there’s little debate: its roots lie in external influences. No one is born doubting their worth or abilities. Self-esteem, whether high or low, is shaped by the interactions and messages we receive throughout our lives.
Low self-esteem can manifest as persistent self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness, or a sense of inadequacy. While its causes are varied and deeply personal, the good news is that self-esteem can be rebuilt. Therapy provides an invaluable space to explore the underlying causes and develop strategies for growth.
Let’s take a closer look at some common causes of low self-esteem, followed by actionable steps to improve it:
Common Causes of Low Self-Esteem
Parental Influence
Parents play an essential role in shaping a child’s sense of self-worth. Children are like sponges, soaking up the words, attitudes, and behaviors of their caregivers. When parents offer love, encouragement, and patience, children tend to develop a strong sense of self. However, when parents are overly critical, set unrealistic expectations, or make frequent comparisons, children may internalize these messages, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Children of parents who struggle with low self-esteem themselves may also inherit this perspective indirectly. Without intentional efforts to foster self-worth, these patterns can persist across generations.
Negative Self-Talk
The words we say to ourselves can shape our reality. For children exposed to frequent criticism or ridicule, the voice of external judgment often becomes their internal narrative. Over time, this negative self-talk turns into a destructive cycle:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I’ll never succeed.”
- “No one likes me.”
- “I’m not as attractive or smart as others.”
These thoughts don’t remain fleeting; they solidify into core beliefs that influence behavior and relationships. What begins as a response to external messages eventually becomes a self-imposed barrier to growth and happiness.
Comparison with Others
In a world dominated by social media and constant connectivity, comparing ourselves to others has never been easier—or more harmful. Whether it’s appearances, achievements, or lifestyles, many people measure their worth against an impossible standard. This relentless comparison erodes self-esteem, making it difficult to appreciate one’s unique qualities and contributions.
How to Improve Low Self-Esteem
While the causes of low self-esteem may run deep, the journey toward rebuilding confidence is entirely possible. Here are three strategies to get started:
1. Be Curious Towards Your Inner Critic
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), the inner critic is seen as a part of you—a well-meaning part that often feels misunderstood. Its intention, while seemingly harsh, is often to protect you from perceived harm or failure. Instead of challenging or silencing this part, IFS invites you to engage with it, creating a dialogue rooted in curiosity and compassion.
When you notice self-critical thoughts, pause and connect with the part of you that is voicing these judgments. Instead of immediately dismissing or fighting back, try asking:
- What is this part afraid might happen if it didn’t criticize me?
- What does it want me to know about its role in my life?
By asking these questions, you begin to understand the protective intentions of your inner critic. For example, it might criticize you to prevent you from taking risks or to push you toward achieving certain goals. These are strategies it learned at some point, even if they’re no longer helpful.
2. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparison is often called the thief of joy, and for good reason. Each person’s journey is unique, shaped by individual circumstances, talents, and choices.
Rather than measuring your worth against others, focus on your personal growth and achievements. Celebrate your strengths, no matter how small they may seem. Recognize that you are the only person on the planet with your exact DNA, life experiences, and perspective. That uniqueness is worth embracing and sharing with the world.
A helpful exercise is to make a list of your accomplishments, big or small, and review it whenever feelings of inadequacy arise. This simple practice can serve as a powerful reminder of your capabilities and progress.
3. Let Go of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a trap. It creates unrealistic expectations and sets you up for constant disappointment. Remember, humans are not static or finished; we’re ever-evolving works in progress.
Instead of striving for an unattainable ideal, focus on progress over perfection. Accept that mistakes are part of growth and that your worth isn’t tied to flawless performance.
When you let go of perfectionism, you free yourself to explore, experiment, and learn without the fear of failure holding you back.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Support
While these steps are a great starting point, rebuilding self-esteem isn’t always straightforward. For many, the patterns of negative self-talk or low self-worth are deeply ingrained, often tied to past experiences or trauma. Therapy offers a safe and supportive environment to unpack these influences, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and develop healthier perspectives.
A therapist can help you explore the roots of your self-esteem struggles, offering tailored tools and techniques to guide your growth. Whether you’re working to quiet your inner critic, break free from comparison, or embrace your imperfections, professional support can make all the difference.
Take the First Step Toward Greater Confidence
Low self-esteem doesn’t have to define your life. With the right tools and support, you can cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth and embrace the unique individual you are.
If you’re ready to start this transformative journey, I’m here to help. Schedule an appointment today, and let’s work together to build the confidence and self-compassion you deserve.