Anger is a natural human emotion, one that everyone experiences at some point in life. While it’s often viewed negatively, anger itself isn’t inherently bad. It can be a powerful signal that something is wrong—whether it’s an injustice, a boundary violation, or unresolved pain. The key lies in how we understand and process it.
There are two different types of anger—primary and secondary—which are sometimes expressed differently between men and women. Understanding these nuances can be a transformative step toward emotional awareness and healthier relationships.
What is Primary Anger?
Primary anger is a direct and immediate emotional reaction to a real or perceived threat, injustice, or frustration. It often arises quickly and is typically proportional to the situation. This kind of anger is rooted in the present moment and is closely connected to our survival instincts. For instance, if someone insults you unfairly or tries to attack you or someone you care about, the irritation or rage you feel is primary anger.
Primary anger can be healthy when acknowledged and expressed constructively. It helps us recognise boundaries, advocate for ourselves, and take action when necessary. However, even when justified, unmanaged primary anger can escalate and lead to destructive behaviours if not regulated.
What is Secondary Anger?
Secondary anger, on the other hand, is more complex. It is often a reaction to other underlying emotions such as fear, sadness, shame, guilt, or hurt. Instead of expressing these more vulnerable feelings directly, we may unconsciously cover them with anger—because anger can feel safer or more socially acceptable.
For example, a person who feels abandoned in a relationship might lash out in anger, masking deeper feelings of sadness and rejection. Or someone who feels anxious about an uncertain situation may become irritable or aggressive, rather than expressing fear.
Recognising secondary anger is vital in counselling because it opens the door to addressing the true, often unspoken, emotional wounds beneath the surface. Healing usually happens when we uncover and validate those underlying emotions—not just manage the anger itself.
Gender Differences in Experiencing and Expressing Anger
While anger is a universal emotion, the way it is expressed and perceived can differ significantly between men and women, influenced by social conditioning, cultural expectations, and even biological factors.
Men and Anger
Men are often socialised to be more comfortable expressing anger than other emotions like sadness or vulnerability. From a young age, boys may be taught—explicitly or implicitly—that anger is a “strong” emotion, while crying or expressing fear is “weak.” As a result, men may be more likely to externalise their anger through shouting, aggression, or withdrawal.
This can make it more difficult for men to identify and process secondary emotions that fuel their anger, leading to misunderstandings in personal and professional relationships. In therapy, helping men connect anger to underlying emotions like grief, insecurity, or loneliness can lead to profound personal growth.
Women and Anger
In contrast, women are often discouraged from expressing anger openly. Cultural norms may label angry women as “emotional” or “difficult,” which can lead to internalized shame around feeling or showing anger. As a result, many women suppress anger or redirect it inward, contributing to anxiety, depression, or passive-aggressive behaviours.
Women may experience a double bind: they feel anger just like men, but often lack socially acceptable outlets for it. Counselling can be a safe space for women to acknowledge, explore, and reclaim their anger in a healthy and empowering way.
Why Understanding Anger Matters
Understanding the difference between primary and secondary anger—and how gender influences its expression—can change the way we relate to ourselves and others. Whether anger shows up as an explosive outburst, a simmering resentment, or a quiet withdrawal, it always has something important to tell us.
In counselling, the goal is not to suppress anger, but to understand it. When clients learn to pause, reflect, and ask, “What’s underneath this anger?” they begin to shift from reactivity to insight. With support, they can process unresolved pain, set healthy boundaries, and communicate more effectively.
Moving Forward
If you or someone you care about struggles with anger, know that support is available. Anger is not something to be ashamed of—it is a powerful, valid emotion that deserves attention and care. Therapy can help you unravel its layers, understand its roots, and find healthier ways to express and manage it.
At Vista Counselling, we provide a compassionate and non-judgmental space where you can explore your emotions and develop strategies for lasting change. Whether you’re dealing with chronic anger, relationship issues, or emotional suppression, you don’t have to go through it alone.
Ready to take the first step? Contact us today to book an appointment or to learn more about how counselling can support your journey toward emotional well-being.